I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. (Romans 7:15 NIV)
I am a planner. Probably too much so. I like to plan. It makes me feel like I know what’s going on. When I pray, I ask God for the plan. He doesn’t give me the plan and that’s OK because it would probably scare me to see it. I then ask him to do what he needs to do to get me and my life in line with his plans.
And I really mean it when I am praying it.
And then he does something.
Recently, someone I am close to shared that God had been speaking to him. God was telling him to take a step of faith and do something else. He didn’t have a lot of details. He just knew he was supposed to follow.
So you’d think that if I said to God “Please use me. Please do what you want to do in my life. Please show up in the people’s lives that I love.” you’d think that when he did it I would be thrilled because God was moving. You’d think I’d be excited because he is answering my prayers.
Well, I wasn’t. I was scared. Suddenly, a lot of stuff was changing. My normal was shifting and I wasn’t sure what it was going to look like. And, the normal for my loved one was shifting too. I was not happy. I did not want this to happen, even though it was what I was praying for.
This is the sometimes me. Sometimes I want God to move in miraculous ways. And when he does, I sometimes don’t. I don’t want the change….especially when it is uncertain and I don’t have a plan.
Here’s the thing. All of the emotions that go along with this are real and they are OK. It is OK that I am unsure because I can’t see what it looks like. It is OK that I am scared and nervous. It is OK that I admit that I am not OK. And in doing this I will lay it before Jesus. I do want what God wants and I do want him to interfere with my life so his plan (not mine) is in place.
So today, I will keep walking…..and planning….and trusting until he interrupts those plans again.