But when I am afraid, I will put my trust in You. (Psalms 56:3 NLT)
The last few days I’ve had this knot in my stomach. You know, the knot that just sits there and if you even think for just a second about why it’s there, it grows so your entire body feels like a spring about ready to snap. That’s where my state of mind has been if I even pause for a second to think.
It’s not COVID that is making me feel this way. It’s another person. I found out that someone I care about has been doing something hurtful to me and others. And, I need to address it. And…I don’t want to.
There are a host of reasons I don’t want to but I assume they are the same reasons we use whenever we don’t want to do something. When we see an injustice and we need to confront it. When we need to establish boundaries in our life. When we have to make a decision to stand up for what is right when it’s really, really messy. When God calls us to do something and we can think of a host of reasons why this isn’t going to work.
Being afraid isn’t always about fear for your physical self. Sometimes, it is just the fear of facing the uncomfortable. It is uncomfortable to tell someone what they are doing is harmful. It’s even more uncomfortable when you know (from past conversations) that they are not going to listen and you’ll have to take further action. All of this puts a knot in your stomach the size of Texas. Especially when you care about them.
This is where I’ve been sitting for a few days. And it’s made me drop to my knees. It’s made me plead with God for wisdom, peace and his love in my heart. It’s made me ask him why. Why would you allow this? Why did you put this person in my life? You knew this would happen. Why don’t they care?
As I’ve knelt there with all the questions circling in my head, I have been reminded of a few things.
God did know this from the beginning and he has a plan.
In all situations, if I follow his lead, his name will be glorified. That is the most important thing.
I may not see all the reasons for everything now, but one day….maybe on the other side….I will understand. The most important thing right now is to keep walking.
I trust Him. I trust that he is walking this with me. I trust that he will breathe wisdom, courage, peace and most importantly his heart into this situation.
I still don’t like it. I wish I didn’t have to do this. But God is in it with me…..he promises….and I believe him.